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Renewal

May 10, 2011
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Last month i had the privilege of attending my 1st “Girls Weekend”.  Girls weekend is a tradition my aunts/mom and grandmother started some years ago where the ladies, once a year, pack up and head to our families traditional vacation spot- Deep Creek Lake. Deep Creek is a picturesque little area in the Appalachian Mountains and forests of western Maryland, and is one of my favorite spots on Earth. Its a land rich in beauty and is a place holding many fond memories for me. So, it was truly a most welcome experience to get the chance to go up there and spend time with my aunts and their friends.  I knew i’d enjoy myself, but in retrospect, i realize how much i had underestimated just how great it would be.  It really was a trip of pure renewal… for mind, body and spirit.  The land itself has on numerous occasions been a place of healing for me, and yet again it proved itself to be a catalyst for introspection, revelation, peace and awe.

Most of the trip was filled with so much laughter, so many smiles- it was wonderful. It was great to see everyone cut loose and just enjoy themselves. We laughed, we sang, we talked, danced, relaxed, played games and filled ourselves with yummy drinks & foods, we even jumped in the freezing cold lake at one point, haha. There were also moments of reflection and tearful remembrances people and times gone by.
I ended up having quite an experience. It started with little ‘coincidences’ that caught my attention. Then conversations arose that really helped me focus internally on things i hadn’t yet come to terms with, or dealt with in a completely healthy way. I found myself speaking about things with a perspective that i realized i myself should embrace and live out more fully as well. Its one thing to talk the talk, another to walk the walk, so to speak.  Although in a previous post i mentioned my want to continue on and make my brother proud, its really been a slow trudge towards moving forward- as evidenced by the lack of new content and released artworks here. After my brothers death, even after my posts about wanting to really get focused and promising myself i would, for a while there- i really just shut down. I couldn’t accept my new reality. I didn’t want to. Even after everything, after losing others close to me, after many tough times that gave me a greater insight and perspective on things, i couldn’t move on at all. It felt like everything ive learned and the perspectives i’d gained- accounted for nothing in the face of this.


During girl’s weekend, i realized what one of my main stumbling blocks on the path towards healing had been. I needed to forgive myself. Only in doing so, could i begin to really heal and find closure. I needed to forgive myself for all the things left unsaid; for all the could haves, should haves, would haves;  for all the little things that i wished i had done differently in regards to my brother and i’s relationship and things surrounding it. I needed to embrace what i’ve always known in my heart to be true, and have  faith that all things have purpose and that in the end- it really is all good.  Through the various events that took place, i found myself one night laying in bed finally ready to allow myself to FEEL. So often we shove hurts and pains deep down within ourselves in order to get through the day. As much as we might try to ignore them, they remain there, poisoning from within, left in darkness to fester, until theyre brought to the light and allowed to heal. For me, this meant letting it all pour out and fully feel each terrible feeling and thought that has caused so much internal suffering and heartache. In the solitude of a darkened room, i allowed myself to feel my brokenness, to breakdown, and it was overwhelming. The alchemical dictum “dissolve and coagulate” comes to mind in remembering this. (Separate and join together. )  I had to integrate the shattered pieces into new being.


I laid there, and wept. I asked for forgiveness and acceptance, then i began to go through each little thing, speak them aloud into reality, and forgive myself. “I forgive myself for not doing this, i forgive myself for not saying that” and so on. Even if at the time, i didnt really feel that way or believe it- i needed to start the process and allow myself to be open to these healing affirmations. After a time, i was completely exhausted. As i rolled over to try to sleep, i said to myself- i forgive myself if i cant quite get there ( to a place of peace of mind) tonight.
I went to bed with a shattered heart, and awoke with a fresh perspective. I had a dream about my brother, & i truly feel as though he visited me. For months i had begged and wanted to dream of him in depth.. and it finally happened. Perhaps i needed to come to a new state of mind for it to occur. Perhaps i needed to go through the motions and learn some things to really be ready for it. The dream was so full of grace and depth, it was more than i could have ever hoped for. And though i won’t detail it here, i will say that it was everything i didnt know i needed and more.
It was good. It was incredibly profound and enlightening.
I awoke and was instantly greeted by another synchronicity, which served to further solidify the sense of grace and magic. I got up and headed down to sit by the lake, to take in everything and reflect. The beauty and quiet of that early morning compounded the new sense of peace and adoration that was enveloping my heart and mind as i watched the fog that had dominated the weekend slowly lift a little over the lake and mountains. Later that morning i came downstairs and someone had this song playing. Such a perfect song to accompany that morning’s revelations, i thought.

‘so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for

it’s alright

’cause there’s beauty in the breakdown’

I don’t know if that weekend’s healing and renewed sense of well being and peace for me could have occurred without each person there contributing their knowing or unwitting aid and guidance to the process. Through the flow of things, i was able to come to a place where i was ready for healing and not outright reject the idea of acceptance and self forgiveness. I feel so grateful and blessed. It really ended up being a game-changing weekend. Aside from the inner journey it entailed for me, in general it was a really fun and fantastic trip. I’m so thankful i had the chance to go, and i look forward to going again next year. ❤

Soooo… yeah.
I’m back! In more than one sense of the term :p
So what else is new? One of my artworks will be appearing on a book of poetry- look for a full post about that sometime soonish. I’m working on a commission piece at the moment and will give more details on that as things progress. I also have a few designs and the beginnings of a new series ready to publish, i just need to set aside the time to get it out there.  I started working on a new fractal art video, though at this pace i dont have a clue when that will be finished. All in all, there’s lots of things in the works and new ideas floating around my mind. A  page has been turned , the journey continues and i’m feeling renewed and ready to take on the world!

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Aunt Catherine permalink
    May 11, 2011 6:59 am

    This blog is beautiful. You have special writing talent. You stirred my heart and brought a tear…..really captured the time we all spent together. In my mind, it was miraculous. I loved having you come. Reading about your healing is about the happiest thing I have read. I always wanted that for you. You have the most beautiful heart and I know it has been broken. But life can be very reaffirming as well.
    I believe there is something special, mystical and spiritual about Deep Creek and my heart has always been freed there whenever I go. This past time more than ever. My healing gave me new eyes with which to see others and for that I thank God. I also thank Him for you.

  2. Kit permalink
    May 11, 2011 7:55 pm

    Your words are so deep and thought provoking and yes there were tears as I read your words……you have a gentle soul that has been trapped in a way that Greg would have never wanted for you. I saw the love between the two of you and it was deep and real. He came to you in your dreams to let you know it was truly alright for you to be free of the pain and the guilt you carried deep inside and that it was time for you to remember the joy and connection you shared and always will. It is a very hard thing to look within ourselves and come to terms with the heavy loads we sometime place on ourselves but you did it and came thru the other side. I love you as if you were my own daughter and will always be grateful to your Aunts for including you in the trip to Deep Creek. Always remember I am here for you, always

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